What

What is peace
Whatcha got there?
What is love and hate and anger
An emotional response
Another reaction
Over reaction
I knew that once
Should I stop this?
What is
Thunder in the rain
But loud noises we make
When summer
Takes lightning
And holds it like a lover
When winter comes
Will I know my name?

Maybe

Ink on 5 lines...
How do I read you again
How do I fall into that place again
How can I
Fall back into place
With my soul
Only I
Can fix me

So maybe
It's time I read

For get

It's an art
They know me for getting my stuff
Messed up again

The fact is
That I want to want someone
But I don't
I don't feel the beating of
Hearts like heavy drums
I don't feel a single thing
I look at people and see nothing but
People
No connection is there
Nothing to be severed
Or lost or found

I am known for getting things
Half way done
Putting all my heart into something
And never getting anything back
Half way
No one will
ever meet me half way

I look into their eyes and they know
I am known as the mistake
I am known as the forgetting

One who is never worth remembering

Waking up

This morning
Maybe at 4
Maybe at 5
I never thought to check
Sickness overwhelming me
Like an ocean tide
That you had your back turned to
I only remember one dream
But it wasn't a bad one
Just An interesting
Huh type of dream
I waited
Trying to ride it out
To sleep it off
But the alarm
My internal alarm clock
Becoming my worst enemy
Never stopped
Waking up was ok
Getting into my car was nerve wracking
But then
Getting to work I wasn't
Ok anymore
Sickness
Stomach please
Stop destroying
My sense of peace

Like a boiling pot
Of something
Waiting to over flow out of me
I was waiting for it

After you wake up
You never really feel better
After you throw up
You do

Does it

Does it help? I wrote once
Of
The encounter
The one facing myself
Does it help? The writing?
No
It pushes it away though
Stalls the
Creeping black spot
That will turn me into a black hole.
15 days until
The day that could have been
Always could have been
Such a happy celebration
Now will be the day of
Why

Does it help? To wallow
To love
And love
Love.... More than the pain cares to explain
They said bide
Bide your time and hold out hope
For WHAT?
What the hell do I want to hope for?
Peace peace
A piece of mind
That I lost so long ago in trying
To be loved

I tried so hard to be
To become
Does it ever fucking help?
It will get worse
And I can barely crawl now
Was it a mistake to love?
Does it help to know otherwise?

Oh God
they say you never give someone
Something more than they can bear
I just wish
That you didn't trust me so much

Farewell

I said farewell before
Before I fell apart
The first time
Spiraling spiraling where to go but down
And now
I've said it again
Where to go
Where to run but down
Up into the clouds
Down into what takes to long to reach
I dug out all the ugly to make room
For the beautiful
But there was nothing beautiful In the pain
I had accidentally made room for
Leave leave
Leave me alone
And I know that one day I will see you happy
And slide
Slide so far down
Death is no answer, life is more problems
The solution
Is far from available
This is no x+-2x=40
this has no calculations
It only has what I never thought
I would have to bear

Tearing, ripping
Like old parchment bleached
From being left out in the sun
I would dare to sound cliche
My heart being ripped out of my chest
By an uncaring twisted
Puppet master
On strings
I cut them and said farewell

Knowing that this time... I will not
Be the toy
I will not reconnect or be reconnected
I will only lay
In this bed I have
made for myself in loving
What never loved me back

Freedom freedom good old
Freedom
You have It
All your time that
I couldn't give you
You have it
You have them
All that you ever wanted
So of course
I'm not welcome

Polar

Good morning
Bad night
Bad dreams
And hard fights
Sleep soft
Walk hard

I had good intentions in my shoes
And mistakes up my sleeves
Lies on my lips
And truth in my finger prints
I never touched anything